This is Why Men Don’t Get Pussy–Cats [Poopchute Paradise]

It started like this: I'm sleeping peacefully and still in my bed, dreaming of something I can't quite remember. But this foul smell perverts my dream...why? God, the smell is awful. Why in the hell is this nasal assault in my dream? Suddenly I jar...and the real nightmare begins.

So, I work second shift at my real job as a middle manager (writing these highly entertaining blogs, unfortunately, isn't my only job), and I usually sleep until 10 or 11am. My wife taxis the kids and goes to work bright and early in the morning. During the time she gets up, one of the cats usually slips in the bedroom unbeknownst to her. The cat hides under the bed until she shuts the door, so I can sleep undisturbed, and then the cat hops on the bed and snoozes until I wake up.

Well, here I am, in slumber, dreaming of this awful smell. WTF is that? I sleep for hours, nearly nauseated. Finally, I twitch, roll over and plant my elbow squarely in a pile of....oh shit...THAT IS CAT SHIT! Gagging and in complete shock, I realize I've been sleeping with a pile of this next to my head for hours:

Oooh my A GOD. This was no dream, this was nightmare, and shit just got real, literally. And now it's on my damn elbow. In shock, I rush to the bathroom sink and rinse the disgusting butt pudding off my skin. Once cleansed, I re-enter my bedroom and notice this on my comforter:

Holy shit man, which end did that come out of?! Between gagging and convulsing in utter repulsion, I figured this might have been my cat's last stand, and he's now a corpse in the room somewhere. Immediately, I drop down and peer under the bed and dead in the middle on the floor is my cat, staring at me. We lock eyes and I curse PROFUSELY at him. He makes a run for it. Deciding there is no way in bloody hell I'm going to try and salvage this bedding, I retrieve a trash bag, stuff it full and take that bomb to the curb.

Cats are great, but sometimes the pussy just isn't worth it. And yes, those pics are gross. Sorry.