Bathroom 101 With Brandon K

You know what's gross and cool? Putrid Offal's new album, Mature Necropsy (brutal band alert). You know's what's gross and NOT COOL? Improper bathroom etiquette.

I try and cling to the illusion that a public john is somewhat clean. Of course this image is shattered when I walk into the restroom and see piss all over the place or it reeks foul of guts from a week dead corpse rotting in the sun (urinal cakes and timed air spray goes a long way). If I pop into a stall and see the seat down with piss on it, it's automatically game over. Next. I'll hold it till I get home.

Even worse and most disrespectful is walking into a stall to use the toilet and seeing someone's relief marinating in the bowl. If the water is yellow, I'm gagging and liable to spew my stomach contents within three seconds. There is absolutely no reason, other than a broken toilet or severe clog (in which case said john should be taken out of service and clearly marked so) for leaving your mess behind for someone else to clean up. Flush the damn toilet. Use your foot to hit the handle. And if it's automatic and doesn't seem to flush automatically, there's a handy button on top that once pressed whooshes ones mess down the pipes. I have a gross picture of some yellow mellowing, but I've decided to spare everyone's stomachs. You're welcome.

Have some decency. Using a toilet to relieve yourself is not hard. It's a pretty big hole most places give you to hit, but if you should make a mess, say something is in your eye and deadens your aim or you're in such a rush you just misfire, clean it up. That includes stray hairs. Guhhhhrosssss. And if you are incapable of being adult and cleaning up after yourself, then you my friend, need to make a hole outside and use it.

Finally, wash your hands...WITH SOAP! Soap is important. No one wants to use a phone or keyboard or touch a door handle after someone that does a sloppy job in the bathroom then fails to properly clean their gross hands. That's how we'll all end up with THE PLAGUE or become 28 Days Later, because some lazy, foul fool won't take the time to wash the contamination from his or her hands.

Isn't this common sense, you might ask? Yes, manners and hygiene should be, but unfortunately, often fall short with many individuals. That's why you go to a bathroom and there are big signs reminding everyone of this, sometimes under the guise of "employees"...that means EVERYONE!!!

Good luck to everyone out there as you traverse the sketchy world of public johns. Be safe, be sensible and please, BE CLEAN!