My Toddler Subjected Me to the 2015 American Music Awards
What the hell am I watching?
My wife, Red, and I are sitting on the couch. She's playing games on her phone. I'm flipping back and forth between the extremely boring NASCAR race waiting for someone to wreck their car (hopefully cars) and the Bengals and Cardinals primetime NFL game. My 4-year-old son comes downstairs and asks in the most adorable voice if he could sit on the couch with us. Sure we say. So back and forth I flip. This is boring he says. Oh shit, commercial breaks on both...let's see what the American Music Awards are about. Immediately I want to change the channel to anything else, back to commercials, but my son is transfixed. So we watch.
I'll try to recall the order of events to the best of my knowledge. If I transpose things, please don't gather pitchforks and take me to the town square and bludgeon me to death publicly with blunt stones.
First up was a really shitty band called 5 Seconds of Summer. One guy had pink hair. I've never heard of them before, nor do I know what the song was called they were poorly performing. Boy, they sure seemed to drive the crowd crazy, or at least that tight shot of a few people the cameras cut to over and over. Once they wrapped up, I think that's when Jenny McCarthy came out. I remember having a poster of her on my wall in middle school. Now I wish she'd do a backflip off a cliff. She introduces One Direction for some award they won. I make the joking comment to anyone listening that I'm going to grow my hair out like Harry Styles so all the chicks will throw themselves on me like screws to a magnet. Red, not looking up from her phone, said "Oh yeah," and Brother (my son) had no clue who or what I was talking about.
Then it was Selena Gomez's turn to perform. I said, all right, enough of this shit. I'm turning back to the race. My son, recognizing Selena Gomez begged me not to turn it, telling me how much he liked the song she was singing. I said you don't even know that song Brother and he begs again. Red says just let him watch it. Ugh, fine. I relent. Brother says those guys are dancing weird. I say they kind of look like fairies dancing, floating around on the steps moving around like they'd just ingested bath salts or FLAKA. Brother says, ooooh, she's pretty. Yech!, I say, disagreeing with him. Red pipes up, questioning why I don't find her pretty. I say Bieber has been up that and that makes her disgusting in my book.
Something about Carrie Underwood was happening next and she was set to perform. NFW I say to my couch compadres. I'm not watching a country performance. Brother objected, but I changed the channel back to the race. He became incensed with me and began throwing a fit. Red told him he could go in our bedroom and watch it on the TV in there, but he was having none of it. After a few minutes, I decided bonding with a happy son was more important than watching a boring race with an unhappy son.
I turned it back and it was Bieber's turn to accept an award with Skrillex and Diplo for some shitty song Bieber made. God, what a smug prick. I actually like a couple Skrillex songs, but I lost the tiny bit of respect I had for him for collaborating with that entitled, spoiled dick hole.
I'm playing Words With Friends on my phone. Red is playing on her phone. Brother is intently watching. Demi Lovato is performing. It was a pretty lackluster performance in my opinion, however the cameras showed a bit more of the crowd, including Rebel Wilson and they seemed to be pretty into it. I was not. Brother was. He kept singing the hook, which has something to do with confidence.
Then came the real doozy. Meghan Trainor, who I didn't know had more songs than "All About That Bass," performed a different shitty song with some guy I'd never heard of that was playing the piano. When looking up pictures for this blog on Getty, I found out his name was Charlie Puth. Still have no clue who the hell he is. Anyway, they perform, then this terrible song ends and they proceed to basically have dry sex with their clothes on right in front of the cameras. They are tonguing with more force than two porno lesbians being paid ten grand for a ten minute shoot. Are you f-ing serious? What in holy Hell is happening here? I thought old Charlie might use that microphone in his hand for another, more pleasurable purpose, like seeing how far he could shove it up inside Meghan. They made out long enough for Brother to say GROSS at least 45 times.
After that a country musician was set to perform and I put my foot down. I've had enough of this horseshit, I announce. I'm watching the boring race and the stupid NFL game. Brother objected again and I told him to go upstairs and find my daughter. He goes up, they both come down. They want to fight in our room. No fighting both Red and I say, just behave and watch TV or play. About five minutes later, I hear loud voices escaping from the room.
I barge through the closed door and it looks like fighting to me. However there's laughter, so at least no one is getting hurt. Stop all the fighting I say and start poking both of them in the ribs with my fingers. Then they start fighting me. Brother is just the right height that he was able to pop me a good shot right in the ball sack. Damn that hurt. It's all giggles until someone gets hit in the testicles. Then play time is over. Okay, okay, knock it off, my voice cracks out, recovering. Get ready for bed. Sheesh. Back to the couch I go.
Now tell me, does that look like the face of a little guy that would pop his dad in the ball bag? Nah. Believe it, suckers!
So, I'm sure some of you watched the 2015 American Music Awards---what did you all think? I read one post on Facebook from a coworker that described it as chick music accompanied by a bomb emoji. Guess he wasn't a fan.
It seemed a little too much like the Teen Choice Awards or some other bullshit awards show to me. I didn't like any of the music I saw in the slice of time I watched it, and I feel confident they didn't have any bands or musicians performing or receiving awards that I would like.
Perhaps many of you agree that it was garbage? Or maybe you think the awards show was FANTASTIC. Let me know what you think, all those faithful to Brandon K.