One of the most annoying aspects of reading any review, regardless if it is one about food, music or beer, is the writer always seems to be some pretentious ivy league poet that feels it necessary to impress the readers with his or her elaborate vocabulary and storytelling abilities.

However, in their attempt to dazzle the masses with their awesomeness, they fail to accomplish the most important goal of the written review: to tell the audience whether they think the product is worth a damn.

With that being said, I would like to go ahead and give you the quickest conceivable review of Iron Maiden’s new Trooper beer… and here it is: The beer tastes pretty damn good, but I am a little disappointed, however, that a brew featuring the band’s iconic Eddie mascot, snarling and clenched fisted on the label, only comes packed with an alcohol content of 4.7%.

Not that I am such a beer snob that I require anything higher to satisfy my thirsty urges, but this is freaking Iron Maiden for chrissakes. This booze should contain somewhere in the vicinity of 666% ABV – you know, the number of the beast - and it should come complete with a warning label so horrific and despicable that only die-hard heavy metal fans will dare open a bottle without being alarmed when the devil himself pops out of the godforsaken thing.

Instead, this concoction’s warning label cautions of birth defects and impaired ability to operate machinery. Plus, the bottle isn’t even redeemable for a cash refund in Indiana. What’s metal about that?

Nevertheless, Trooper is a tasty brew, and anyone that drinks it will undoubtedly look full-on kickass holding the bottle – and that is all that’s really important, am I right?

Iron Maiden’s Trooper is available at The Winetree and according to Alex Morgan, it can also be picked at the Liquor Locker.

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