There are times when the eyes of an alcoholic reveal a darkness so vast that everything decrepit in the universe appears to makes sense, like a bloodshot looking glass reflecting a message from God - or maybe not. Either way, occasionally a rare breed of sloppy degenerate rises up from the drunken pits of hell to prove to the rest of us that there is a long way to go before we ever hit rock bottom. You'll know them by their frostbitten penises.  Take 64-year old Kenneth Guillespie for example. Over the weekend, Canadian authorities found him drunk, half-naked and screaming next to the remnants of a five-foot tall snowman. After he was taken to a nearby hospital, it was discovered that Guillespie had fornicated with the snow sculpture and as a result, acquired a mean case of frostbite on his dong.

Members of the hospital staff say that Guillespie is a regular visitor to the emergency room; usually because someone beat the snot out of him, but never anything like a frostbitten pecker from raping a snowman.

“Frostbite of the penis may sound funny but it can be very serious indeed,” said a hospital staff member. “Frostbite can cause infection and gangrene and ultimately this may lead to the member being amputated.”

Unfortunately, Guillespie’s love affair with the snowman may have been the final straw for those townspeople who have been putting up with his wicked indiscretions for so many years. In fact, a group of vigilantes swear they will “dismember him after what he did to the kids’ snowman.”

“He left a pile of empty bottles, a wrecked snowman and a trail of frozen man-juice in the middle of the community recreation ground,” said one member of the lynch mob. “This bugger’s worse than Jimmy Savile.”

Sounds more like the Canadian Caligula to us!