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You Need to Hear David Hasselhoff’s Ridiculous ‘Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2’ Song

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Young folks are probably best acquainted with David Hasselhoff in the ironic sense, like some kitschy relic unearthed in their parents’ attic during a recon mission to find the most absurd pop culture fossil for their growing collection of dank memes. But us olds know The Hoff as a beloved ’80s icon, star of Baywatch and Knight Rider, and a weird German pop music icon — so it’s not entirely surprising that James Gunn solicited Hasselhoff to help record a song for Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2. And it is truly special.

Titled “Guardians Inferno” (sure, why not), the song is a collaboration between The Sneepers and Hasselhoff, with lyrics (and backup vocals) by James Gunn himself. It’s a cheesy, Euro-flavored disco-pop piece that culminates in what could only be loosely (at best) described as a rap verse performed by Hasselhoff. The lyrics are super silly:

Getting down and dirty with a procyon lotor

Got no people skills but he’s good with motors

That weird thing by his side is an infantilized sequoia

When the two of them walk by people say oh boy-yah!

They ask me why I’m bringing a baby into battle

That’s really irresponsible and getting them rattled!

I say ‘Give me a break, get off my back damn it!

I didn’t learn parenting my daddy was a planet.’

“Procyon lotor,” by the way, is the scientific name for a raccoon — in case you didn’t figure that out. Look, I’m not here to ridicule David Hasselhoff for this song, which was clearly created with every intention of being totally ridiculous. THAT SAID, it is totally ridiculous. And yet, I admire Gunn’s rhyming skills for lines like “Give me a break, get off my back, damn it! I didn’t learn parenting, my daddy was a planet.” It’s a delightfully dumb throwback to those gleefully absurd theme songs recorded for big studio movies in the ’80s and ’90s. I mean, it’s no “Deepest Bluest” by LL Cool J, but what is?

Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2 hits theaters on May 5.

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