Have you ever seen a gay man get blitzed on wine and then go off on Valentine's Day? Because if you haven't you're seriously missing out.

Also, I think I just found my sassy gay soulmate.

 

Everything this man says is everything that I have ever said or thought about Valentine's Day. I hate it. I don't like it. The gamble chocolates are nasty, the heart candies are just sugary antacids, and what the hell am I gonna do with a big ass teddy bear??? It's just going to sit in my living room awkwardly forever. Do I just turn it into it's own seat? Like, "Hey guys, grab a chair! I've got the dinning room chairs, my couch, this ottoman, and a giant teddy bear lap. Take your pick."

 

Therefore, I present to you: A drunk gay man dramatically re-enacting my inner monologue every Valentine's Day.

 

"First of all, I don't need a little naked baby with chicken wings telling me how to live my life."

 

"ALSO, Valentine's Day is just an excuse for sh**ty couples to show off how sh**ty they are. Guess what, Alecia -- who I went to middle school with and somehow we're still friends on Facebook -- that giant teddy bear that Derek got you from Costco just means he forgot it was Valentine's Day until literally two hours ago. The bigger the teddy bear, the smaller the D, girl. Those are the rules."

 

NSFW...Because you don't give a gay man a bottle of wine and then ask him to "watch his language".