Yes, We All Hate the New England Patriots (But It’s Almost Over)
After watching the New England Patriots complete their historic comeback to win their fifth Super Bowl, you're probably feeling pretty upset today. Don't worry, I've got some good news!
Hating the New England Patriots in Indiana comes as naturally as obesity and meth lab busts. If you love the Indianapolis Colts, you hate New England. That's just how it is. I'll be honest, my hatred for New England and Tom Brady had diminished over the years thanks to Fantasy Football and the realization that Tom Brady is a damn good quarterback. All of that level-headedness left my body like a demon in an exorcism when the Pats started to come back in yesterday's game. Reignited with the fires of unadulterated hatred, lots of swear words were yelled at my TV.
"WHERE ARE YOU TAKING ME? I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING! I'M SORRY!"
However, the good news is that it's almost over. Tom Brady is 39 years old. He has maybe two or three seasons left before he calls it quits and rides off into the handsome sunset with his perfect life. Yeah, I know Brett Favre was 44 when he finally retired and realistically Tom could play that much longer, but why bother with it? He's already the most winning QB in Super Bowl history. He has nothing else to prove. NOTHING!
As for the rest of the team, I don't know, they can all also just retire and never play again? I'd definitely be OK with that. The reason people hate the Pats and Tom Brady is simple: It seems like the "villains" keep winning. They get caught/accused of cheating, get punished, and yet it doesn't matter. Granted, in fairness, the "Deflategate" story was overblown. The Patriots would have destroyed the Colts that game with Tom's daughter behind center using a beach ball. Sorry, Colts fans, but that is just the truth. Someone online put it best: The New England Patriots prove that karma simply either doesn't exist or the Pats are somehow immune to it.
We hate Tom Brady because he's the embodiment of the high school quarterback stereotype: He's successful, attractive, has a beautiful wife, and has so much money it gives me an anxiety attack just thinking about what it'd be like being that wealthy. He's everything we aren't. And the worst part is that he's good at what he does. We hate him because he can rally his team back from what should have been a blowout. We hate him because he single-handedly can make the offseason a miserable 6 months of seeing a bunch of chowda' eaters high-five their favorite Wahlberg or Affleck about "How dem Pat's pulled dat off."
Pictured: The life we'll never have
It'd be ignorant to not at least address some of the political undertones that went into the game. I won't go too much into it even though I haven't quite met my quota of being called a "liberal snowlflake" *insert crying emoji* for the week. But yeah, it seemed like America definitely wanted Atlanta to pull it off just to, I don't know, restore some sort of balance to the world? Show that "good" can overcome "evil" every once in a while. We wanted the band of scrappy Rebels to get into the Death Star trench and hit that exhaust port with the proton torpedo. Unfortunately, instead of blowing up the Death Star, Luke spilled coffee in his lap and crashed into the Millennium Falcon while the Death Star balled on them. Hard.
Guess who are the Falcons in this GIF
And yes, I know the entire fan base isn't made up of political right-wingers who were rooting for them based on how white their receivers were (yes, that was a real thing). Many people who love them live in the New England area. And the rest of the fans across the country, I don't know, maybe weren't loved enough which lead them to such a deviant lifestyle? I'm kidding (kind of) since I have met a few nice Patriots fans in my lifetime. Four. I've met four who weren't the worst. And to those four fans, enjoy this win. You've got a lot to be proud of. And if you were one of the awful Pats fans (you know, the kind who were very, very silent during the first 3 quarters but suddenly got their internet connection back to talk trash during overtime), you enjoy the win too (probably while kicking puppies). But just know, it won't last forever. The clock is running out on Mr. Brady. Enjoy this win. Savor it. Because sooner, rather than later, the rest of the football nation will cheer his retirement and your several rebuilding years of being terrible. Congrats...for now.
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