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Would You Like Some Cheese With All That Whine?

The Anti-Christ likes Gatorade? Who knew! (Justin Sullivan, Getty)

Last night at 12:01 AM, Eastern Time, the fifth horseman of the apocalypse descended upon planet Earth spelling doom for its population. Facebook made changes to its website. Drunk chicks and confused grandparents from coast to coast cried out in anguish. However their cries fell on the deaf ears of the bringer of doom.

Judging by the status updates, the changes were a greater crime than humanity has seen before. Bernie Madoff’s ponzi scheme, Jeffery Dahmer, and Casey Anthony all paled in comparison to the horror that Mark Zuckerberg unleashed on millions of unsuspecting users.

Nevermind the fact that a majority of Facebook’s 750 Million Users, contribute nothing to the site other than recycled Family Guy quotes and pictures of them acting like asshats at public venues. Now they’ll have to take 20 seconds to figure out how to do those things. And while that’s happening they can stalk…ahem, see…what their Facebook friends are doing on the site too.

To sound like an 85 year old retiree, I remember when Facebook was college exclusive. There were no status updates. Only a wall where your friends could post stuff on your page. No Farmville, no likes, nothing. You had to initiate a Facebook Booty Call by poking someone. You even had to have a college e-mail address to sign up, and that was only if your college was included. It was like the red headed step child of Myspace, and we still used it.

The changes are here to stay, until Facebook unleashes another update. When that happens I’m sure life will cease to be on planet Earth. Why can’t things just stay the way they are? Lets go back to AOL dial-up. Then we can cruise the best of what the web in 1997 has to offer, dancing babies and Space Jam for everybody!

If you’re so upset with the changes on Facebook, Google+ just became public. That means you can sign up now! Do it while you’re enjoying the video below, which is what I feel is appropriate for anyone whining about the changes on Facebook.

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