This is Why Men Don’t Get Pussy [Cats]

Pussy cat, pussy cat, where are you?

Get your mind out of the gutter, perverts, I'm talking felines. I've got two cats, Mr. Fantastic (half Garfield) and Dr. Bill Nana (the gray one). They're brothers from another mother. They don't really care for or respect my redheaded wife's big yellow dog. So, they bogarted his bed, because the big yellow dog doesn't use it for a restful purpose, preferring instead to dry hump and chew holes in it.

The other night one of the cats decided to leave an unwrapped gift with no bow on the dog bed for the big yellow dog. It was a turd. Luckily, my daughter discovered the little chocolate log before JACK SIT DOWN! (my dog's official, unofficial name) did. I'm sure he would've thought it was a Scooby Snack and gobbled it down. My redheaded wife accused Mr. of doing the dirty deed, which she's probably right because he can be spiteful and moody. If I withhold Fancy Feast containing cheese and gravy from him, he'll stare me directly in the face and shit on the floor inches from the litter box, never breaking eye contact. That's his way of expressing his displeasure. Then I immediately curse him and do my best not to vomit while I choke on the foulness before me and scoop it into a Target bag with a paper towel.

Anyway, I'll spare you the picture of the disgusting gift, but rest assured, a gross out blog is coming down the pipe soon my people! As my four-year-old son would say, it's going to be discussing.