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The Fat Guide To Evansville

I ate a double down, and got my first heart attack. (Sandra Mu/Getty Images)

Congratulations Evansville! We did it! The fattest town in America! But we couldn’t have done it alone.

So what is keeping our asses so fat? Is there a sweet deal on Hoverrounds that I’m not aware of? The town where the biggest complaint about our new stadium is the fact you might have to park your car and WALK (Gasp!). Alert the church elders! Well its simple, lets go over a list on how to get fat in Evansville. You don’t want to be in the minority do you?

  1. Westside Fall Festival – During the Fall Festival, everything can be deep fried. Deep fried Oreos, fried crickets, hell they’ll even fry your iPhone if you ask nicely enough. And just like cattle, we herd ourselves on to Franklin street to partake in the fried delights. All the cool kids are doing it.
  2. Turoni’s Pizza – The best pizza in town! I could eat this for days and days. Sure you could try some type of healthy pizza, but where’s the fun in that? If you’re going to get pizza, you need to get the kind that just drips grease. You can use your napkin to dab it off, nancy boy.
  3. Donut Bank – Once I had a cousin visit me, who was totally confused at the concept of a ‘Donut Bank’. Can you make deposits there? How much for an account? What in the hell do you do for an overdraft? Aside from Long Johns, the menu is filled with a breakfast feast of coffee and donuts. Come on, cops can’t have all the fun!
  4. Golden Corral – If a buffet is your thing, and you like good ol’ American eats, Golden Corral is the place to be. All you can eat? It sounds more like a challenge than a type of restaurant. If they ever opened a 24 hour location, you’d never have to pay rent again! Just use the wet naps in place of a shower, and prepare yourself for strange looks from the staff.
  5. Charlie’s Mongolian Barbecue – This is another buffet, but probably the best one on the list. Aside from having the food cooked just exactly the way you want it, its pretty damn good. It should be, you made it. Like a big boy! I can literally feel my ass getting fatter the longer I sit at this place.

With America now in 3rd in the world, for fattest countries (we lost to the Pacific islands of Kiribati and American Samoa) we have higher standards to bring the rest of America to number one. So what is keeping you fat in Evansville? Leave your responses below!

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