“Each time a man masturbates, another man dies.”And so begins the harrowing tale of ‘The Day The Earth Stopped Masturbating,’ a dark and frightening projection of a universe where masturbation becomes illegal and porn sites are shut down forever.

Oh, the horror.

Do you think this video comes close to dramatizing what would actually happen if every man on Earth were suddenly forced to stop abusing the fuse? We think it comes pretty close but leaves out one important detail: Without the temptation to beat up shorty, we’d all probably get a lot more work done. Art, science and technology would advance at an unbelievably fast rate. We’d totally have hoverboards within a week.

Now if you'll excuse us, we'll be in our bunks.