DON’T BE THAT GUY — 10 Terrible OkCupid Messages and What Men Can Learn From Them
Jackie Mancini is the new assistant editor of GuySpeed.com. She occasionally uses online dating services. She has some opinions on the things men say online.
Online dating is weird. It took me a long time to get comfortable with the idea of trying to meet people on the Internet, because for me, my most successful romances have been sparked by an initial physical attraction. Eventually, I succumbed to my own curiosity and made a profile. I've gone on a few decent dates, and a lot of hilariously terrible ones.
Perhaps the most entertaining part of OKCupid, though, are the messages I receive. The internet makes people braver than they are in real life. My favorites are the incredibly blunt, artless attempts at getting laid. I laugh, sure, but I usually don't respond.
Whether you're online looking for a serious relationship or a steamy one-night-stand, this list can help you avoid some rookie mistakes. Or, you know, help you not make them again.
The Sloppy Communicator
In the world of online dating, the written word is a powerful tool. Unfortunately, it can also be a liability, if you don't have a firm grasp on syntax. This guy's heart was in the right place, clearly, but it's tough not to laugh at someone who calls you an incredible day. Also noteworthy: If you can't take the time to spell out a three letter word, I seriously question your ability to bring me to orgasm.
Tip: Everyone needs an editor – If you're not a natural wordsmith, have a friend look over your message before you send it, and take advantage of spellcheck. Put a little effort in, and you might just get laid.
I listed Wes Anderson movies in my OKC profile, so at least he was paying attention, but describing something as a “lesser effort” is really snobby and boring.
Tip: Start without snark! Say something positive about someone's interests, and ask questions that will engage those interests. Example: Life Aquatic was my favorite, too! What's your second favorite?
The Fat Guy
I've dated fat guys – this is not the issue. The issue here is that this reads like a joke on a card my mother would receive on her 60th birthday.
Tip: Self-deprecation is just not attractive, so present your positive assets first.
Be careful about revealing too much too soon. While honesty is a great asset, mentioning gangbangs in your first reply is the virtual equivalent of cupping a stranger's butt on a crowded train.
Tip: Ease into the kink or you might end up scaring away someone who could have been into the occasional gangbang.
The Apologetic Hot Mess
It's hard to know where to start, or what specifically to target in this message, but there are two main blunders worth addressing: First, can we all agree that after high school we can stop using the phrase 'Out of my league?” Most importantly, perhaps, never offer to paypal someone because you think they are hot, because that is creepy.
Tip: People like to know that you think they are attractive, so there's no need to be apologetic or awkward. Worst case scenario? The feeling isn't mutual, and they won't respond. Be bold. And for the love of god, spellcheck.
The Slow Learner
I went on a date with this guy, and he was very sweet. He bought me beers and we had a pleasant conversation. I wasn't feeling it, though, and so I did not make concrete plans to see him again. In the four days that followed, he left me a voicemail and three texts before he switched to OKC and sent me this.
Tip: If someone likes you, they will not miss an opportunity to respond to your communication. If they don't respond, they are attempting to send the message that they are not interested. After one date, no one owes anyone an explanation. If someone disappears, let them.
The Dating Salesman
Speaking of not responding, let's say more about that. If you send a message to someone and they don't reply, it's because they aren't interested. The alternative would be for them to say “No thanks, I do not think you are attractive,” which would be really unpleasant, right? This guy follows up with me a week after his first message, as if he's trying to sell me a new vacuum cleaner and wants to see if I had a chance to look over the tattered pamphlet he left.
Tip: Just don't do this, you won't like the response you get. Move on and find someone else to pitch your Hoover to.
Even in a big city like New York, it's not uncommon to find someone you know on OKC – No big deal, everyone is looking for love, right? If you do stumble across someone you know and you're interested, be tactful. A few months ago I met The Scavenger at my favorite neighborhood bar. He was with a really attractive man who was traveling from Denmark, whom I ended up taking home that night for my favorite kind of relationship: The 3-hour relationship. A few weeks later, his friend messaged me, and was less than tactful about what he knew, as you'll see below.
Tip: If you find out someone is awesome in bed, keep it to yourself until you are given the opportunity to find out first-hand. While it's rude to kiss and tell, it's just plain creepy to do what this guy did. On the plus side, I am now in talks with the NYC Tourism Board to pitch a new ad campaign slogan – Visit NY: Because there's a certain kind of apartment-wrecking sex you can only have with strangers.
The Guy Who Was Maybe a Celebrity?
Seriously, my only explanation for this message is that this was actually Nicholas Cage.
Tip: Always have a profile photo.
The Guy Who Was Asking For It
To answer your question: Yes. I am very interested in humiliating you.