It’s Time to Jack Yourself…With Weights

It's about to get cold, which in my opinion, sucks. So what is there to do when it's cold besides sit on the couch and pine for spring? Hit the weights and get ripped.

I work with a lot of guys whose bodies resemble pears with Popsicle sticks poking out. Many look like they're with child and months past their due date with flab flopping over their pants, uncovered by shirts that are trying way to hard. Some of their bellies are so big and bulging, their skin stretched so tight, I'm waiting for one to walk past me and just blow---burst organs and intestines full of bile and processed foods from their midsection like confetti that NO ONE will want to dance around in or get in their eyes.

Then I realize I'm slowly morphing into one of those guys. I'm pushing 200 pounds and all the work I put in at the gym a few years ago has dissipated. My strength has evaporated and all the shitty food I've crammed down my throat is making my waistline expand. I'm beginning to look like I'm with child and this is just un-f-ing acceptable.

So I decide by Christmas, I'll drop a little weight and beef up a bit more. I figure in about two months time I can look like this guy:

He appears to be in pretty decent shape. His facial expression is strained like he might be shitting in his pants or experiencing anal prolapse after pushing through that last rep and I ascertain he has snakes slithering about under his skin, but he's clearly pumped. I should be able to get into that kind of shape by Christmas so my Filipino aunt can once again gush over how broad my shoulders have become. Easy peezy.

First thing, check my supplements. Annnd, both my creatine and protein are expired. F me in the A hole. Holy shit, has it really been that long since I worked out? This might be more of an uphill battle than I first imagined.

Currently I look like this, and no, I'm not taking my shirt off (sorry ladies..and men that might be interested in seeing a pudgy man with no shirt on):

As you can see by my lack of huge traps, I'm less than jacked. I will be relying on muscle memory and this fine wonder powder pictured below because I've read it's lactose free, and I'm supposed to avoid dairy:

That's right bitches, CARNIVOR---now that sounds like some hardcore shit. Hopefully after smashing workouts, consuming CARNIVOR protein shakes and eating healthy, muscle enriching foods, I'll be able to bench around 250 pounds and fit into ALL of my size 32 jeans again, not just the stretchy pair of Levis that I currently wear...like always. Then I just might end up looking like this guy:

Have mercy, LOOK AT THAT SON OF A BITCH! He's got serious snakes under his skin and legs upon legs. It also looks like he's got his privates stuffed in a little velvet liquor bag. I respect the hard work and dedication it takes to become a behemoth like this man, but that's beating a dead horse to me. How does he even wear stylish Levi Jeans? I just want to get in shape, not morph into a freak of nature parading around in the tiniest shiny underpants possible, striking poses in vain to impress my wife, children and animals that all reside in my household.

So let's do it men with big bellies. Let's get in shape. Let's eat vegetables, fish and chicken until we puke scales and feathers and consume supplements and sweat our asses off. Otherwise we'll just sit on the couch, watch Netflix, eat garbage and get fatter, complaining that our pants are too tight and being secretly jealous of guys that have abs and don't look like slobs. Don't be a pear--get pumped!