From the Southern Indiana Affairs Desk: The Fares Avenue Ripple Festival
Just when I thought things couldn’t get any worse, the powers that be have temporarily relocated the Southern Indiana Affairs desk to some dingy hotel room just off of Fares Avenue.
On the upside there didn’t seem to be much loitering going on at the Chuckles convenience store when I went up there earlier for a soda and some breadsticks. Not like at the Circle S in the small town of Chandler, Indiana. A man can’t get anywhere near a fountain Mt. Dew without shaking a stick at ten burly coffee junkies hanging right outside the front door. In this society where loitering is encouraged, anarchy ensues!
At any rate I suppose I had better get down to the business at hand. A report like this is not going to write itself. In fact, a report like this is probably better off left unsung. Reading it will give you very little satisfaction, and upon its completion I am certain you will abandon all hope. I encourage you to take a hot bath, and maybe even work up enough courage to have a solid drink… But whatever you do, do not come anywhere near this place. Fares Avenue is beyond Thunderdome!
Sweet Marie, they’re firing rockets off outside my window! Independence Day comes early over here! What kind of fool lives in a cheap hotel and spends every cent blasting off high-powered fireworks in the middle of the afternoon? If this keeps up I just might qualify for an honorary VFW Membership by the time I check out of here tomorrow morning.
My editors have stuck me here on Fares Avenue in a brash attempt to rattle my last nerve. I had high hopes of writing this weeks report from one of the booze tents at the Newburgh Wine, Art, and Jazz festival that starts today, but I might as well be on the opposite end of the universe. In fact, I think that I am.
So with respect to utilizing my available resources and as a means of unsympathetic retaliation against authority, I put together a little festival of my own. I am calling it the Fares Avenue Ripple Festival, and it’s going on right now by invitation only.
For this inaugural event, I've put together a panel of taste testers to review a few brands of wine currently featured at this year's festival. For your protection I have also included some handy tips to consider before partaking in any of these beverages. Trust me, the chemistry can get tricky.
Fares Avenue Ripple Fest Tip #1: A beverage like Mad Dog 20/20 comes in a variety of flavors but don’t be fooled, every single one of them is extremely dangerous and as wicked as the devil himself. Before going strong on a bottle of this stuff, it is wise to drink something more subtle in order to condition yourself for the ride it will take you on… Anti-freeze will work.
Jesse - Fares Avenue Ripple Taster Review: Mad Dog 20/20! Whoa! This stuff taste pretty dang good, man. I mean a whole bottle of wine for $4. Now that's my kind of drink, man. Whew! I don't much care for the strawberry though. I mean I'll drink it, but you know I think I like the purple stuff better. Yep, that purple tastes pretty good.
Fares Avenue Ripple Fest Tip #2: It is best to approach drinking a beverage like Night Train as if you were getting ready to bare knuckle box a wild bear. Be extremely cautious, and know in the end that you’re going to lose.
Pete – Fares Avenue Ripple Taster’s Review: Heck, it's better than nothing. If you want my honest opinion I think it will make me sleepy before it gets my drunk. What's this about fighting a bear, man?
Fares Avenue Ripple Fest Tip #3: Remember that a wine like Wild Irish Rose has very little to do with Ireland, and everything to do with turning people into wild animals. This wine does not go good with food. However, it does compliment loneliness, and it isn’t bad ammunition if you happen to be caught in a fight.
Stan – Fares Avenue Ripple Taster’s Review: Wild Irish Rose makes me feel like I'm being chewed on by a pack of hungry dogs. I love dogs, but I hate being chewed on, man! Pour me another! Shoot, I used to have a couple of dogs man. Mean suckers too! Yeah, man this rosy irish wine ain't half bad.
As you can see we are off to a superior start here at the Fares Avenue Ripple Festival. Not bad, not bad at all. Now that my work here at the Southern Indiana Affairs Desk is complete, I am officially in festival mode. Time to round up a loaf of bread and a package of bologna. I told these boys there would be catering!