A Guy’s Guide to What to Wish For if Confronted with a Wishing Well

What would you wish for if you found your very own wishing well?

So I may have embellished a bit when I said I found a wishing well and that I had a thousand pennies. I found no well, and I might have like 14 pennies. But I can still wish!

So here goes:

1. I wish my cats would stay off the damn table. It's an expensive pub table meant for humans to eat at, not for cats to perch on and drag Tidy Cat fragments all the beJesus over. And yes, I've tried squirting them with water, using a stern voice and rapid, angry movements. No avail. Cats don't give a shit. Jerks. Here's some hair on your placemats.
2. I wish Nothingface would reunite. Until the demise of Hell Yeah, there is literally no hope. It would also be nice if Mudvayne didn't suck ass any more either. L.D. 50 then WTF happened?
3. I wish 311 didn't make shitty records. Why are they shitty? Because they are. SMOKE POT AGAIN PLEASE. Give me Transistor 2 and I can die a happy man. Are you listening Nick Hexum? I don't care if you are 45. You have the ability. Rally the f-ing troops. I have more faith in you pulling off another classic sounding album than Metallica.
4. I wish Peter Steele would resurrect from the dead and one of the coolest bands to ever exist, Type O Negative, could continue making badass music. I'll even take disjointed, Pet Sematary Peter Steele, because he'd still be the shit, grinding out his signature music and vocals that will never be replicated by another human soul. How will any strip club worth its salt survive without Type O? They won't. Those broads don't know the power.
5. Selfishly, I wish I could write without making petty grammatical errors. Screw ups are my biggest pet peeve. And even after editing time and time over, I still find them. I'd like to be error free please, revered wishing well. I blame the Miller Lites, not my incompetence.
6. I wish I knew where all my Garbage Pail Kids cards/stickers are. I have a faint idea...
7. I'd also prefer not to have a nose like a freaking Tucan. Having a normal, straight nose would be fantastic that wasn't shattered at the hands of a douchebag neighbor kid when I was younger would be fantastic. Then I could be an aspiring model like everyone else, because that seems to be the thing now. Black Milk Clothing.
8. I wish Tom Six would never stop making Human Centipede movies. Three is not enough my friend. Give your die-hard fans more.
9. I wish Hardee's would bring back the damn El Diablo burger. Tex Mex is not the same.
10. I wish I was in better shape. Muscular and ripped. There's an ad on page 149 of my latest Muscle & Fitness magazine that says I can achieve this pretty easily. Hmmm.....
11. And finally, while I've lived in the armpit of America, Muncie Indiana, I wish more eclectic and cool bands and musicians would come to Evansville. There is no home, draw or reason for them to show up here. That needs to change. Once all the old people die, who will want to see Aerosmith, Tom Petty or Motley Crue? We need more variety and we need it bad, like a junkie needs drugs. If only I were mayor...this is the river city!

So duh. Why didn't you wish for a billion dollars Brandon K? Or infinite wishes? Or this or that? Cause that shit is lame and everyone wants that anyway. Everyone would wish for that. What will infinite money do if there is no real purpose behind it? What would you do tri-state if you found your own wishing well? What would you wish to see happen?