5 Surprisingly Badass Animals
They might look cute, but don’t be fooled; these creatures are secretly badass, and we salute them.
The Nutria – Vengeance Seeking Anarchist
Affectionately known as the ‘River Rat,’ this South American rodent looks a lot like a cute little groundhog. The Nutria was introduced to the US for use in the Fur industry, it is pissed about it. Seeking revenge, the Nutria has one goal: crop decimation. After Hurricane Issac, thousands of Nutria washed up on Missisippi beaches.The problem is so severe that the state of Lousiana put a bounty on the animal’s head. If you have a bounty on your head, you are a badass.
Japanese Spider Crab – Giant Corpse-Eating Terror Machine
What’s scary about a crab, you say? This is not your run-of-the-mill crustacean. The Japanese Spider Crab has the greatest leg span of any arthropod, and can be as long as 12-feet, from claw to claw, weighing as much as 41 pounds. Sound delicious? Well, you sound delicious to this terrible zombie monster, who has been known to eat human corpses, and can live for up to 100 years. Between these guys and the deadly Irukandji jellyfish that inhabit Japan’s waters, we cannot believe anyone ever goes swimming.
The Hummingbird – The Ultimate Hunger Games Competitor
Tattooed on the right shoulder of many a Shore-town tourist during their stay, the hummingbird is a delicate symbol of beauty to many. Sure, the bird is beautiful, and the fast flutter of it’s wings is delightfully graceful, or whatever. While it’s sort of impressive to learn that it’s wings flap at a rate of 90-flaps-per-second, that’s not even why this bird is such a BAMF – -It’s the fact that they are on the verge of starving to death for their entire lives. Because the hummingbird’s heart beats 200x faster than ours, they have one of the highest metabolisms of any creature on earth, and need to eat constantly in order to stay alive. We have trouble keeping the pep in our step if we skip breakfast.
The Dolphin – Polyamorous Pioneer of the Open Seas
Though we’d give anything for that to be our title, it was well earned by our friend, the Dolphin. We know dolphins as ‘Flipper’ – Smart, friendly creatures of the ocean who have been known to save humans in peril, but that’s not all they use their giant brains for. Dolphins are not only the only animals besides primates who have sex for pleasure, but they take it even further by participating in full-on dolphin orgies. While this is one sex party we’d most likely rsvp no to, it definitely makes them badass.
The Wombat – A Literal Hardass with a Van Damme Death Kick
What a cute little dope, right? Go ahead, try and cuddle with it, we’ll be waiting back here. The Australian Wombat is hunted by some of the most intense predators in it’s habitat, including Dingoes and Tasmanian Devils, and the wombat is always up for the challenge. When being pursued, our sleepy-looking little guy springs into action, and escapes into a shallow hole, leaving what would appear to be a vulnerable hind-quarters in full view of it’s predator. Here’s the catch: The wombat’s behind is made of cartilage, and impenetrable by teeth. Once the attacker is hooked on, the wombat uses it’s bizarrely powerful hind legs to kick the animal in the head. Until it’s dead. It kicks dingoes to death.